*This post is part of a monthly series called CEO Mommy which will be guest written by a few amazing ladies in my personal and professional network. This month’s post is by Lorrel Marin who is the founded LEEP Forward, a Pediatric Developmental Clinic for kids with special needs.  I met Lorell professionally a few months ago as a scholar in the Goldman Sachs 10,000 Small Business Program in Chicago. 

As the saying goes, it is important to stop and smell the roses. As a business owner and mom of two little girls it can be difficult to put the brakes on.  If you include working on your second master’s degree it can be hard to find time to stop for anything. However, it is important to find the time to acknowledge your accomplishments and see how they can help keep propelling you forward. Without the pause you will stay on automatic pilot and may miss opportunities for true business and personal growth.

As a recent graduate from the Goldman Sachs 10,000 Small Business program I wasted no time and moved right into the ICCC program. Both programs have opened doors for me as a business owner in terms of networking and making new connections that open more doors to other opportunities. My business has recently been acknowledged as one of the top 100 fasted growing inner city companies in the country. It was an honor to learn we were #10 on that list acknowledged by ICCC and Fortune Magazine. One of the best lessons I have learned from other thought leaders and successful business people is it is ok to focus on your bank account but it is more important to focus on the impact you have on your community and create a place that allows your employees to continue to grow as well. How to leverage this award and other public recognition is the next step in business development. My company would not be where it is without the support of a wonderfully talented and dedicated team. It seems the best way to leverage the award and recognition the company receives is to make sure the team is inspired by the difference they are making in order to continue to help the company grow. A mission of the company is to ensure as the business grows each employee can benefit and also continue to grow. Leveraging the recent recognition also helps our company stay at the forefront as thought leaders.

One way we have been able to do this is to create the National Pediatric Developmental Differences Forum. The NPDDF is a thought leadership initiative for the advancement of relationship -based therapies. It is important to channel this positive recognition into something that will also benefit the community, professionals and families we work with. The NPDDF allows us a platform to provide this. The recent business growth is because of the team. We would not be here without them. They make me a better person, business owner and mom.

About Lorell:

Lorell received her Masters of Science in Teaching from Pace University, Manhattan, N.Y., her Bachelor of Science degree in Social Work from Richard Stockton State College, N.J.  She has also been credentialed as a Developmental Therapist in Illinois. Lorell is currently enrolled in her second master’s program to earn her LCSW in addition to working towards her graduate certificate in Applied Behavior Science. Lorell is the co-founder of the National Developmental Differences Forum (NDPPF). This forum is a thought leadership initiative for the advancement of relationship-based therapies. She founded LEEP Forward, a Pediatric Developmental Clinic for kids with special needs 15 years ago. She recently was acknowledged by Fortune magazine and ICIC as 2016 top 10 company for inner city business development and five year growth.

*This post is part of a monthly series called CEO Mommy which will be guest written by a few amazing ladies in my personal and professional network. This month’s post is from a very good friend of mine, Mercedes Kane, who is  founder and president of Daisy May Films. Enjoy!

A few weeks ago at a party, I met Terry, a retired professional and mom. Talk drifted to daycare strategies, as happens with working moms, and Terry revealed she had to drop her kids off at daycare at 6 a.m. in Connecticut to make the two-hour drive to her high-powered job in New York, retrieving them close to 6:30 p.m. most days.

It was 25+ years ago for her, but Terry still grimaced as she remembered her initial search for child care, and how, after revealing her start and end times to daycare facilitators, many would bluntly ask, “Why did you even bother having children at all?”

Shocking, right? Not really.

I’m pretty sure almost every working mother, at any time in history, has been on the other end of a similarly critical question, or has even wondered such things about herself a time or two. I know I have.

A typical Type-A personality, I’ve always taken pride in my ability to approach my work, my home and my creative endeavors in an organized and efficient way. It’s how I’ve been able to work full-time, direct and produce three documentary films, teach a class or two and still find time for fun.

It’s with reluctant acceptance that I now admit: those days are long gone. I don’t know about you, but for me it seems downright unachievable to divide my time equally every day between parenting, my professional life, my partner and my creative passion projects.

This may not be a popular stance, but what I’m here to tell you is that true balance is, in fact, impossible. Unachievable. Impracticable. Unrealistic. We’re setting ourselves up for failure if we’re trying to do it all, all of the time.

This can be a hard concept to grasp for driven women who become moms. And while, nearly 20 months in, I’m still trying to figure it all out, I do have some truths I’ve learned to live by, that might benefit you too:

It’s okay to want to work.  

I often hear mothers speaking in such a way that it sounds like they’re only working because they have to, and not because it might actually be what they want to do. That’s certainly the case for some people, but if you love what you do – professionally, creatively or both – then own it, give it the time and attention it deserves and don’t hold back out of guilt that you could be doing something for your child instead. I firmly believe your child will take notice of this dedication and even hopefully emulate it one day.

Something is going to suffer, so get used to it.

In order to fully devote yourself to anything, you need focus. Therefore, on a daily basis, it’s inevitable that you will direct your attention towards one thing over another. Some days you’ll have a late night at work and other days you’ll skip work to care for a sick child, and in-between there will be a whole lot of less-defined compromises you’ll make to meet tight deadlines and be there for your family. Take it day by day. It’ll all even out in the end.

Practice a truly equal partnership.  

I know so many women who are co-parenting with equally smart, kind and capable partners. The problem is that many of these women are still parenting under the assumption that they are the “primary” caregivers, even when they’re working just as many hours as their co-parents. Not me. I am proud to say that my partner packs my son’s diaper bag better than me. I was happy when his tenured teaching position allowed him to take more maternity leave than I could. Do I feel bad grabbing the occasional after-work cocktail every so often while my spouse puts our son to sleep? Nope. And I’d do the same for him.

Sometimes it pays to pay.  

With children come added expenses, so it can be tough to justify paying for things you could technically take care of yourself. My question is, what is your time worth? If something is taking up valuable time and you can afford to do it another way (or not at all), I say go for it. Is cooking dinner stressing you out? How about a meal delivery plan? Do you despise spending Saturday afternoons cleaning your house? Why not splurge on a monthly cleaning service? Whatever it is, weigh the time versus the money and make the call that will keep you sane.

If you don’t have a village, build a village.  

Not everyone has a family they can lean on at all times. Some people live far from their family, or their family is busy, too. But regardless of your family situation, you need a support system you can count on. So I say, FIND THEM. I am so lucky to have people in my life who love my son almost as much as I do and want to be around him, who will give me advice when I need it, and who will come over to hang while my kiddo sleeps, in lieu of a night on the town. We all need support, so whether yours comes in the form of friends, family, or both, let people help – and then help them back.

Of course, I don’t blame you if you don’t want to take advice from a novice like me, but it turns out I’m in good company. Renowned astrophysicist, TV-host, parent and all-around genius Neil deGrasse Tyson, recently shared his own similar, yet superior, thoughts on embracing the work/life imbalance.

“You don’t go to the amusement park roller coaster and say ‘I want to be balanced,’” deGrasse Tyson said. “No, you want to be as unbalanced as possible, because that’s the thrill ride.”

Buckle up, moms. It’s bound to get bumpy.

Mercedes Kane is the founder and president of Daisy May Films. She recently completed her third feature length documentary, the award-winning “Breakfast at Ina’s” which premiered at the 2015 Chicago International Film Festival and is currently screening at film festivals nationwide. Her previous films, “Today We Saw the Face of God” (2012) and “Hearts of Hope” (2009) both screened internationally, winning awards and accolades from critics and audiences alike. Mercedes was associate producer on the feature film “Chicago Heights”, named One of the Best Art Films of 2010 by Roger Ebert. She lives in Chicago with her partner Sanghoon and their son Jasper, and works as a Creative Director at Kindle Communications.

For more information on where you can see “Breakfast at Ina’s” or any of Mercedes’ films, visit: www.daisymayfilms.com.

 

*This post is part of a monthly series called CEO Mommy which will be guest written by a few amazing ladies in my personal and professional network. The first installment is from Heather K. Terry, the woman behind NibMor Chocolate, and the author of the recently released book, From Broadway to Wall Street: Cautionary Tales of an Unlikely Entrepreneur. Enjoy!

Nothing was more thrilling than becoming a mom. I wasn’t born with the mom gene (I actually never thought I’d get married, let alone have a child) but when I had my daughter, I was equally excited and terrified (which oftentimes is a sign that you are on the right path, by the way). I was overwhelmed, full of gratitude and had no idea what I was doing (kind of like when I started my first business, nibmor.com). Everyone spends so much time getting you prepared for the delivery of a baby, but not very much is spent on discussing the next 18+ years that follow. 

You share your body with this baby ‘tenant’ for 10 months and then…guess what? You share your life! Like not just a little bit of it, but a whole lot. I was not prepared for this – at all. I was already in my 30’s when I had my daughter. I was set in my ways. I had MY way of doing things. I could watch TV whenever I wanted. I could go out at 10pm on any given night. When my business had a fire that needs to be put out, I could go extinguish it at any hour of any day- no one depended on me to BE there (except maybe my dog, but he had an amazingly strong bladder). My life was all mine but now it isn’t. 

No one sympathized. I was one of the first of my group of friends to have a child. I was expected to have this baby and assume my usual responsibilities. I was back to work within the week of having her – from home, but still working (when you have a start-up it’s tough to lose a pair of hands when all hands are on deck all the time). I didn’t know how to take a shower and watch a baby. I would touch her every five minutes to make sure she was breathing while I was ordering inventory for my business and answering emails. You get the point. The whole thing was bananas. 

I thought it would all get ‘easier’ but what I realized after a while was that it was just going to be different. I was going to have to accept the fact that society expects a whole lot more from us moms. We have to be the primary care giver to our children, we need to work, we need to take care of our home, pay our bills, still find time to work out, look perfect and be on top of everything. HA! This is the biggest joke, ladies. See the thing is, you do the best you can. You have good days and bad days. It’s life. Please, I beg you, stop trying to be perfect at everything. You will drive yourself mad. 

With that said, I have some helpful tips and tricks for keeping it together. Some of these were created so you can stop driving yourself bonkers. My personal and professional plates are VERY FULL because I choose to do A LOT with my time. I am pretty “type-A” and I can’t sit still, so I have a kid and a business, I’m in school, and I think I’m a pretty good wife and friend (I’ll let them judge!). Also, I get help. I have zero shame in admitting that. You don’t have to do everything to still be amazing. However, if you choose to do a lot (because you want to), these suggestions should help you out:

1. Figure out what you really want and need in your life. This is key, ladies. Don’t do things you hate – it will spill over into everything you do. If you love yoga and need it, find a way to get it into your schedule. If you go to a spin class because you think you are supposed to and you despise it, stop and find something else. That spin class might keep your waste line trim, but you will just be in a bad mood, which doesn’t help anyone. 

2. Get on a schedule. This is a really serious point. I wake up at 5am to practice yoga (because it makes me feel good), I shower, then I spend time with my daughter before I get on the train to the city at 7am. I have my day and I haul ass back home to be there for bedtime because it is important to me (there are days I have to stay late – life happens and so do meetings). I cook dinner and then I work on classwork and my biz for the rest of the night. I am lights out at 10pm. That is the way it goes in our house. Get on a schedule, get in the important things and get your sanity back. Schedules change everyone’s lives. 

3. Schedule things to look forward to. Plan a trip or outing either with or without kids that everyone can look forward to so the monotonous day-to-day stuff is more bearable. I am a big fan of the spouse trip without kids. If you don’t have a spouse, go with your significant other or go with your sister or your mom, I don’t care just get away and do something for you, without kids! IT’S IMPORTANT!

4. Negotiate with your partner. My husband and I both need downtime and we know how important it is to our sanity. We take five minutes on a Friday and negotiate when we’ll each get a little alone time to do whatever we want over the weekend. Not because we don’t love each other or our kid, but because we do. 

5. Get help. Get it in whatever way you can. I cannot stress how important this is. 30 years ago most of our parents had family, of some kind, living nearby to help out, but that is generally not the case today. You know the saying, “It takes a village?” They were referring to the village that supported you in your life – we don’t really have that anymore, so barter, pay someone, do a nanny share, get someone to help clean your house – ANYTHING! It will be the best money you ever spent!

Fellow mommies, you are not Superwoman. It is impossible to do it ALL on your own. Find what you need and what makes you happy and you’ll be doing just fine. 

 

Heather K. Terry is the chocolatier behind NibMor Chocolate, which can be found in thousands of retail locations nationwide. Entrepreneur, yogi, food enthusiast, author and mom, Heather is a health aficionado and an advocate for eating real, simply prepared, organic foods (especially chocolate). Heather is also big on empowering women in business to live their lives while bringing home the (nitrate free) bacon and inspires thousands via her Instagram feed (@heatherkterry) by sharing her entrepreneurial experiences, yoga practice and food choices. She holds an MFA from Mason Gross School of the Arts at Rutgers University, is a graduate of the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, and studied chocolate making at The International Culinary Center (where she is now pursuing Pastry Arts). Heather’s first book, From Broadway to Wall Street: Cautionary Tales of an Unlikely Entrepreneur, hit bookshelves November 2015 (heatherkterry.com). Heather also feels kind of weird tooting her own horn and writing about herself in the third person.

I, as most people in America, do not have a strict nine-to-five schedule.  Some days I work 8am-4pm and other days I’m at work 11am-6pm.  While I love my job and what I do, a year after my son’s birth I still constantly have the “mommy guilt” of working a lot and not being home with my child enough.

Here is a typical day in our home: I arise at 6:00am to start getting ready for work.  What really happens is that I set my alarm for 5:30am in anticipation of “this is the day I’ll blow-dry my hair and look half way presentable at work” and in reality I snooze until 6:00am and find some products to fix my frizzy, untamed mane.  Each morning, while in the shower, I pray that my son stays asleep long enough that I can shave my legs.  Just as I finish getting ready for work, my son usually wakes about 6:45am, which allows me about 15 minutes to see him in the morning and give him a few snuggles before I walk out the door at 7:00am.

After work on a regular day, I walk in the door about 5:30pm to a super cute toddler waiting in the front window and an amazing husband to greet me with a warm embrace and kiss.  Just as Clark Kent hops into the phone booth to emerge as Superman, my work bag hits the kitchen table and I feel like I’m being transformed into “Mommy-mode” which is in full effect from that moment on! Making dinner, cleaning up toys, feeding the little one, bath time and bedtime all by 7:30pm.  Once my son is asleep, I take a few minutes to eat, clean up the kitchen, prep meals for the next day, spend a little catch up time with my husband and then get ready for bed by 9:00pm to start the whole process all over again tomorrow.  Grading papers, reading all the posts I saved on Facebook and catching up on the DVR all will have to wait until another day because those three cups of coffee I’ve had during the day have worn off and this Momma is done.

As a working mommy, I rely heavily on my iPhone and FaceTime to keep me connected to my son while I’m at work. Nothing melts my heart more that seeing his smiling face toddling around the house saying “Momma” or when he’s independently sitting down flipping through his book saying “doggy” or growling like a tiger. While technology and smartphones are a great way to stay connected during the day, sometimes seeing my son upsets him more than if I have never called.  He wants to hug or to play with me when I’m not there and it breaks my heart.  Lucky for me I have my husband and my mom who are there to watch him while I’m at work.

My questions for the more seasoned moms out there in cyberland are these: does it ever get easier?  Do the working mom guilties ever really go away?  Many moms have told me that once they are older you’ll be happy you have a job to go to because you’ll need an escape from your kids, but I don’t feel that way now, and I don’t know if I ever will.  I’m not one of the moms who will call her kid a little, rotten SOB.  Sadly, even while on vacation in Ireland this past summer with my husband, we missed our son so much that all I wanted to do was come home to snuggle him up.

I guess only time will tell when those working mom guilties will fade away – and you can bet I’ll let you know when I reach that milestone in my parenting life.